Death is something so large and intangible, that it's so hard to know what to feel once it has happened. Even once it has happened, we sometimes just so feel numb and unsure on how to actually feel. Here at the Sacred Space home, we lost the patriarch of out family this fall. A father, grandfather, husband, brother, best friend… It was the first close death that this generation of our family had to deal with.
A month later, sadness comes and sadness goes. I think of my grandmother and how she lost her soulmate of more than 60 years, how my mother and uncle lost a father. People die everyday and people are born and that's the way life goes. Nothing is lost, everything is recycled. Though it may not feel like that when you feel like a big chunk of your heart is empty. Just know that all energy and love is recycled.
When you loose someone so close to you, sometimes it feels like the world will stop spinning. It does not though. You still wake up every morning, continue breathing and slowly get your feet onto the floor. You will start smiling and laughing again, even though when it first happens you might not be able to imagine yourself doing so. We all deal with death so differently and it's unimaginable to be able to understand someones pain. Our family is an incredibly small one. With my grand-father gone, we went from seven to six. This will be the first Christmas we will ever spend without him and the thought of that is just so weird that I am dreading the holidays this season.
We think that when someone dies, you loose everything that was once them. Even though they are gone they have left you much more than you can imagine. You have lost a lot but you have also gained.
So you have lost your ground. You are kind of stumbling around life looking for a way to navigate this newness of life. You have nightmares, of your grand-father being incinerated alive, that he wasn't actually dead and they turned him into ashes, and you wake up crying. You never cry but now you are. You have your family around you though. The ones who are feeling the same pain as you but different. They understand. You cry and then you go back to sleep. You remember that he is up with all his best friends, laughing, partying and skiing. Something he couldn't do over the past years.
So you have lost so much.
You have gained a stronger family though. Your heart needs to break open so that you can grow.
You are sad and it is okay to be sad.
You and your family are the greatest legacy he could leave,
and we all cary his soul with us
his sense of humour
his endless love
his sense of adventure
to never ever give up